My days have become monotonous, filled with the same routine that has become my life. Over all there is not much to complain about at this moment. I have a roof over my head, I have food to feed my children, and for the most part, my children are in good health. But for a moment, break down your life, what is there really to keep you focused and in a complete state of bliss? Where is my bliss? what do I have on a personal level to make me feel like my life is good enough for me? There was a time where I thought that I had things figured out, even though everything was not picture perfect, I had a family that I thought would live and grow with me until I was old and on my last breath. There are many people that are content with a life alone and require nothing more than what they have provided for themselves. It is perhaps what these people have that I yern for, Self contentment. But all I have is myself and a pocket full of dreams that I may never have and experience. I want to see what the world has to offer outside of my box. But even if I never have that, I just want someone to share anything with. I dont do so well with alone. I need someone to give my love to and for them to want to give me theirs. Someone that I can get lost in their eyes and nothing else matters. Someone that wants who I am and who can accept my flaws, and I want to be able to return that. Real love.
Read rest of these entry>>>Monday, October 12, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
My heart is leaving me behind
My mind continues to linger in a world I have created to forget that I am losing your love. Music, melancholy in my ears, I close my eyes and imagine I am laying next to you. Nothing else exists in my little world. There is no one else but us, in a little house hidden behind trees and streams. We lay in our bed all day, the sun barely shinning behind the curtains. Our hands clasped, and nothing else interrupts us. We talk about everything yet our lips never move. We look at each other and nothing else matters. We watch each other age and grow old together yet it doesnt matter because we have each other. I open my eyes, and you arent here. It begins to fade. I will close my eyes again and not open them until you return to wake me.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Left in the Dark
I think you said it best when you said I Love to be Loved. But more importantly, I love to be loved by you. I crave your attention, I desire to be the center of your world. Without it, I am blank. I am lost in my own mind, searching for a reason why I can not live without you. All logic points, to the exit, to walk away and say goodbye. But my heart is bleeding tears into the void, that I call myself. I am slowly being sucked into the darkness. Flipped inside out into my own personal hell. Is this real? Or am I dead and don't realize it? Will I forever be cycled into this false reality? Being given your love, just for you to take it away from me over and over again... A dream where I find myself face to face with you, perfect happiness and feelings of safety. But you turn and start to walk away, my feet are stuck in place, and no sound can escape my mouth. I scream inside but you never turn and look back at me. But it is not a dream. I am here screaming out to you, begging you to stop, and stay with me, but you will not stay. Now I am left here alone, with no shadow, no light to guide my way, just darkness.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Final Goodbyes
For the first time in all these years, I have realized without a doubt, that what you feel for me is finally over. I hear no regret, no doubt in your words, that what you want is not me. That what you think will make you happy in life, you can not find in me, what I am, is not good enough to make you smile anymore. I want to know that you are happy, I am just saddened that I have given half of my life to you just to find, that it was never enough.
My tears can not fall fast enough to catch up with the bleeding of my heart. I have to block you out of my mind, and hopefully my heart, for the thought of you laying with someone else, destroys my soul. I am left here alone, trying to pick up the pieces of me, what little is left of me.
As I finally take down your pictures, and the pictures from our wedding, I cry hard, and can barely see. A broken heart, a broken soul, a broken home. How will I fix this all?
You are gone, and you aren't even here to tell me in person, I cant hear your voice, or see your face. Who are you? I don't even know anymore. You are disappearing and I can't even stop you. This is what you want, and when I turn to go, I will never turn back to see if you are even looking. If you find yourself lost and alone, I will not be there to comfort you, and tell you its ok. I will not be there ever. I hope you know what your doing. Because im disappearing too.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
In the Tornado, Will I survive?
The wind is heavy now, the emotional debree is flying. Caught and unable to move into safety, tossed into the whirling pits of hell before me. Painful words, stabbing into my flesh like splintering wood. The wounds are deep and scaring. You will not make it, you will be sorry and regret what you have done, you say. Twirling high above the grounds of life, I look down and see everything that is normal, being ripped apart by this massive distruction. My mind is dizzy, and I am becoming incoherent. You did not try to save me, you watched as it all fell apart. I am something I do not recognize. But my eyes are opening now, and the wind is slowly subsiding, I am strong, and I will survive. You stay in the wreckage, and try to pick up the pieces and put them together again. But this time I am walking away, in search of a safer place, where I can shelter myself from the storm. Tomorrow, the sun will shine, and I will smile again. Yes, I will survive.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Endless dreams
My Heart screamed out to you, though I said nothing. I waited, and I am still waiting, as the moments of every day pass me by. Moments turn into days, days into years. So young, yet so old. The years, have passed me like they were only moments, silent and blank. No smiles, no memories. Just scars that are left to remind me that there was something, but I cant remember. Was it worth it? To give up something so promising, for something that ended up broken anyway. I wanted to believe with all that I was, that it would turn into something beautiful, and lasting. But like everything beautiful and young, it will eventually wilt and turn old and fall into nothing.
Like an endless dream, you see a young and healthy tree full of fruit. You approach it. You are so hungry, and so tempted by what is before you. You are certain that if you can only reach far enough, you will become full and satisfied. It is too far out of grasp, so you begin to climb. But, only as your dreams are unfolding in front of you, and you are so sure that it is, what it is. The tree becomes old and full of death. No roots to hold it in place. You begin to fall, and you never stop.
Like dreams, how certain can I be, that what is going on around me, and within me, is anything more than an illusion, waiting to transform into something I dont recognize.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Last nights dream
I had this dream that I was walking by and this girl had some sort of pet (duck maybe) in a dog carrier, the door was open and a snake was crawling inside. She picked it up and before we could kill it, she let go of the head and it bites me in the ankle. Shortly after that, my legs are red and swollen, and I cant breath, so I know the snake was poisonous. I spend all this time trying to get someone to take me to the hospital but all this weird stuff keeps happening. It was in a very dirty, poor, ghetto town, and somehow ended up in this rundown school on my life threatening journey. I still couldnt breath, and then realized I had a gameboy lodged in my throat ( lol wtf) so I walk around with it for a while, and all the while its making game sounds inside my body. At some point I pull it out. But im still poisoned and I dont know, this continues on all night.
